So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
