I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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