I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
