You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
