i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
