they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
