I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize