my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
