Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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