I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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