Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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