It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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