1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
