You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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