I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
