fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
