if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
