Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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