The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
