My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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