mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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