another moral hangover. fuck.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize