someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
