what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
