So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
