dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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