After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
