Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
