He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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