Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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