Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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