my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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