Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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