I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
