can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Someone signed my nipple.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
