i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
