it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
