sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
