every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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