toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my shit smells like andre
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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