I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
