thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
