Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
