Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
