If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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