Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
