Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
