If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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