nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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