And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
