I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
