im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm really busy with my period
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