I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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