Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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