We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
