You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
