about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
