Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize