There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize