If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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