i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
