There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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