I want to have your abortion
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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