Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
