I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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