3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
