Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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